you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
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