Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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