Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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