My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
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So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
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he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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