Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize