I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
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Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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