True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize