Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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