By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
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Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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