I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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