not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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