do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Two words: blizzard sex
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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