So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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