Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm both gender and math confused
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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