This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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