if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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