I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize