I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
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So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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