My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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