Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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