I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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