So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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