Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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