Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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