Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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