I CAN MOONWALK!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I can feel your judgement through the phone
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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