we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I supernannyed him into submission
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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