laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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