I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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