we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
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I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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