he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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