Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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