Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
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K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
being pregnant is like rehab
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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