are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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