So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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