I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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