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just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
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