I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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