i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
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Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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