Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize