I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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