Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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