Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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