i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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