Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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