Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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