i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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