If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
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I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
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for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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