Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
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even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
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Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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