I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
