I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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