I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
